Internet screen glaring, eyes dry and energy sapped… it was three hours of trawling the net and my best friend still hadn’t found a wedding photographer that screamed – “Hire Me!!! I’m the one!” Now, I know nothing about marriage other than when it comes to wedding day perfection, brides tend to get a little scary and OCD to say the least.

In fact, on this occasion in my friend’s house… when I helpfully pointed at the first photographer I could lay my eyes on (to speed up the process), I was met with a polite but gritted – “Are you being serious? I’m not going to just pick the first guy I see!” I smiled at her frustration and said to myself – “Well, that approach worked for Gary and it seems to have gone just fine.”

Sarah had met Gary at the toilets of a shopping centre – that’s right – a modern day romance. I have to say though, despite the setting, they hit it off straight away and fell in love. Now, we were planning the wedding with great care – starting off with a wedding photographer that would capture the memories of a lifetime. In hindsight, she would have been luckier with my guerilla tactic of choosing one at random because after much deliberation and weeks of phone calls, she had found ‘Mr. World – class Photo’…. or so she thought.

It was two weeks before the wedding and her chosen wedding photographer had planned a sitting for her – a practise, if you will, to see how the photos would turn out. This, of course was free, he said. What a selfless man. Everything went fine and the wedding day was looming. Everyone was ready to go. Nothing- we all presumed- could go wrong at this late stage.

The events that followed concerning the wedding photographer were nothing short of a ‘Chat Magazine’ horror special or more lightly – a Laurel and Hardy Show.

Firstly, on the big day the wedding photographer was late. Not by five minutes like the usual tardiness – but 2 hours. The bride freaked out so much she refused to go down the aisle and I witnessed many a bored uncle loosening his tie and getting ready for a long wait.

The groom – a little less patient – started calling the photographer and began to verbally abuse the answering machine (which didn’t help.) Eventually, a very hung-over looking sap of a man entered the church – it was him. He apologised but made it clear that we needed to understand that his alarm clock wasn’t very loud and that he had just not woken up. The bride, who was very much awake and seething – took a deep breath because she was not ruining her eye make-up for anyone. The wedding began.

After a few beautiful moments of shared commitment, I noticed that the wedding photographer was struggling to keep his eyes opened (never mind focus on the task at hand). In fact, my main concern was that he might have been still too drunk to open the lens shutter. Luckily, he had and I relaxed. Maybe all would go well from here.

At the after- party, a very sullen looking photographer declared that after the first dance he would be leaving. The bride nearly choked on a cocktail sausage. During the sitting, she had been promised videos and shots right up until 10pm at least. It was 8 o’clock. He sighed and said that she had not confirmed this with him and quoted – “I was just throwing it out there…. you didn’t say ‘yes’.” Well, in the bride’s mind, she had already said ‘yes’ enough today. With that, she pointed the photographer to the corner of the room and here’s what she said, (in the calmest, most psychotic voice imaginable) -

” You have ruined my wedding day and the start of my new life, you showed up late and if you don’t mind – smelling like you’d had a night in with the cat and a bottle of Jack… you could barely stay awake. I would be unnaturally surprised if the photos contained anything more than the top of the cake or the back of my head. But I am not going to let you run off now and leave the mess behind. No, you are going to make up for what you have failed to do. You are going to stand over there and take some of the best wedding shots of your career or so help me God – you will not be getting a penny and I will spend the rest of my life putting out posters of how truly bizarre and horrible you are as a wedding photographer.”

At 11.30pm, a good little wedding photographer, who’d taken some of the best shots of his life that night, left obediently and with a small reduction in the price he had agreed on.

The moral of the story? If you are a wedding photographer, don’t mess with the bride – she might just kill you.